Compassion is both natural and necessary in coaching and leadership. Yet as I outlined in the first part of this reflection, the need for compassion can tip over into overwhelm and exhaustion if we are not able to maintain a boundary between what we witness and what we ourselves experience.
I chose to work overseas in development, rather than aid. This was in part because of what I believed my capacity was, and in part due to preference. I preferred to work in the extreme of a different world, in what I considered to be proactive rather than reactive work.
I remember being passionately challenged on the choice to work overseas rather than serve in my own backyard, years prior to going to Tanzania. While I appreciated the challenge and the caution, I made my choice. As a coach, I continue to keep bringing awareness of where I am choosing to work and why. For me, it comes down to challenging my beliefs and those of others for the sake of co-creating something new. (I often find myself challenged on whether that is enough.)
Other coaches and leaders have asked about how I hold compassionate wisdom for others, without losing my own boundaries.
Suggestions for holding compassionate wisdom
Whether I am in the same room as a client or in a Zoom call, I am able to quickly sense into the energy of those with whom I share the space. I am acutely aware of how my body experiences that energy and can flow easily into switching my focus into assessing how my body is responding.
I imagine a switch that I flick continuously, sensing from the outside in to the inside out. I can choose to amplify energy or release it. I can switch from receiving to giving or even melding energy fairly easily, as long as I am not overly tired and run down. Being resourced is the key in moving from empathy to compassion.
So what recommendations do I have for others who share this work on how to create a compassionate space, yet not marinate in it?
Tip 1 – Hold space for your own emotions as well as those of others.
Sustainable service requires self-care and resourcing. Where are you holding compassionate space for yourself and where are you leaning into others to provide that space for you? Coaching supervision is one place that resources me.
Tip 2 – Pay attention to what\’s happening within you.
Learn to reflect and be reflective. Notice what you’re noticing within and name emotions. Where do you practice noticing what you are noticing? I practice this on a daily basis as a leader, coach, mentor, supervisor and through exploring what I notice in my fiction writing.
Tip 3 – Explore healthy ways to release the energy.
If you find yourself holding emotions that on introspection do not appear to be yours, find healthy ways to express them. How do you release these emotions? For instance, sometimes I feel a deep sadness that does not seem to be mine. When that shows up, I have a practice of releasing it through watching a sad movie and crying, or listening to music that I know will amplify that sadness until it is released.
Tip 4 – Clarify your role and purpose.
Perhaps the most important part of setting boundaries is to clarify your purpose and role as a leader or coach, and develop your capacity to be on purpose and play your role skillfully. Where do you want to develop your capacity to be on purpose? Where do you want to develop your capability to play the role you choose?
I see my purpose as to challenge the status quo. When I do that most skillfully, it is simply to lean into the Relationship Systems Intelligence (RSI) competency of revealing the system to itself. For when we truly are seen and see ourselves. we are able to be more at choice of what happens next.
Supporting and challenging the parts of a system to empathize with themselves and each other creates an opening to step into a more expansive space of compassionate wisdom.
Whether the system involves one, two or many, we support ourselves and others to unravel multiple threads, weaving in and through many layers. Getting lost in empathy does not serve the larger goal, and needs to be countered with action.
We all want to lead and serve with compassionate wisdom, but it is possible to get lost in emotion as we do so. When we remain aware of how our own energy infuses what’s emerging, and draw boundaries to protect ourselves and others in doing this essential work, we act in service of a higher purpose.
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Kerry Woodcock PhD, PCC, ORSCC, ACTC, EIA-SP, ITCA, ESIA, develops core, collective and change leadership capacity in leaders, teams and organizations, coaching pioneers and influencers to amplify the power of relationship and lead over the edge of change.Â
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